destry rides again.

to be added, comment and tell me why you are not a stalker.

>>EXPAND<<
(and those guys next to him are all OUCH! YOUR KNOWLEDGE! IT GIVE US HALOS OF PAIN!)

so, why is it that all my friends, and i really do mean ALL my friends, are very, very attractive? i'm speaking here not only of my own impeccable taste in humans. it goes without saying that i surround myself with the cream of the crop, dahling. no, what i'm wondering is, why are all the people i get along with best in the world also so darned pretty to boot? (not to mention blindingly intelligent and charming, of course.) i'm not sure how to phrase this properly as an inquiry, but it's something that's come up more than once of late.

for instance: halloween. judith, john, eliot and i decided we would hit the town properly, and ventured out to Holocene, which is a dance club on Hawthorne. and i promise that i am not being unnecessarily self-congratulatory when i tell you that we were the best-looking group of kids in the place. this was not the contained world of reed college; this was the hot hangout for all of portland's stylish counterculture (although i suppose the real hipsters were all at Dante's or some shit) and still. discussion of this phenomenon afterwards by those of us who now work in the real world has led to a similar conclusion: most of the people out there are, by the standards to which we have become accustomed, not all that attractive.

i scroll down the list of my facebook friends and i am greeted by one beautiful human after another. when i take pictures of my friends, i don't even have to TRY to make them look good. so what's the deal?

post-anxiety disorder, worrying is very hard on me. it is difficult to worry like a normal person right now. every time i start to worry i become TERRIFIED that the whole horrific cycle of madness is going to start going in my head again. combine normal worry about normal things with a sort of dread about your own brain and whew, do you have a cocktail for cranky.

however. it is important to note that at this moment i am merely cranky. i had an unhappily low point earlier but it was right after a two-hour nap and i hadn't eaten in many hours. i rarely feel my best in such circumstances. some in'n'out, a very long drive with the decemberists, a few too many cigarettes and some dancing at a bar with a friend have put me back at normal. this is significant data. five months ago i would have been reduced to ... god, you don't even want to know.

looking back on that whole section of my life, i cannot IMAGINE how i managed to slog through so many months feeling so utterly utterly wretched every single second. and i do mean EVERY SINGLE SECOND. it was disgusting and unspeakably horrible, and not really possible to describe. i hope that none of you ever have to experience that feeling, like the act of existing is slowly no longer becoming worth the effort -- and if you have felt that way, you have all of my sympathy. (if you feel like that right now CALL ME, I AM NOT KIDDING.) i know that this will all likely sound melodramatic, but the more distance i get from it, the more i fully realize how badly things had gone in my brain. guys, they were very bad. dear my serotonin: i don't know where you went for those four months, but i will never for the rest of my life forget how happy i am to have you back.

thank you to the people who stuck with me while i lost it and for still sticking around today. i am staggered by the fact that none of you ever seemed to stop thinking i was awesome even when i really wasn't acting like it and certainly didn't believe it myself. thank you to everyone who made me eat something when i stopped eating. i think you quite literally kept me alive. thank you erin, who used to sit me on her bed with a plate of food and then punch me in the arm until i ate all of it. yes i got tired of it but i also got a lot of protein that way. and some big bruises. thank you sylvia for putting up with my being the worst roommate in the world during those months. my messes were epic, my habits bizarre, and my moods foul. i'm really sorry. thank you the therapist i treated like shit. thank you to the theatre i worked for, for not only putting up with my sudden disappearance but for still giving me a superlative reference, regardless. thank you judith for letting me obsess endlessly and manically on the phone and in person. you made me feel so much less crazy. and you give good advice, and distract me with good gossip. thank you to my parents for extreme patience and for plane tickets. thank you michael for the world's most sincere sympathy. thank you readers of these posts for commenting and for making me feel like someone worthwhile. thank you thank you thank you john, for never leaving, and for being infinitely worth my trust.

thanks. i'm still here.

dear the internet,
myself, jelow13  , linettasky  , and nidhogg  have just leased a house in Portland. i gave three weeks notice at my California job and plan to be in Portland on Sept. 7th. i am excited. i am ready. things are good.

here is the funny part. the house we just rented? it used to be the Crackhouse (a.k.a. Krackhaus or the Crack Home). this will only mean something to those of you who went to Reed, but to those of you, it will mean a lot. this is among the original Reed houses. however, when we move in, it will hardly be the Crackhouse as we once knew it. it's being almost totally remodeled (i.e. will no longer be a nicotene-stained den of sketchytude). we are very excited. Olde Reed, indeed.

now, however, i feel that we are met with an existential crisis. there has already been some discussion of this on the lj-webs: as nidhogg  put it, "If you change all the boards in Theseus's cheap college house, is it still Theseus's cheap college house?" in other words,

wait, who's an internet fashion superstar? OH THAT'S RIGHT, I AM!


PAINFULLY HIP, BABY.

heaven don't mean nothin' until you've been through hell.

god. you know, there's nothing quite like those conversations that start out like the end of the world and end like the beginning of it.




and now, a total non-sequitur quote from the comfort movie i am currently watching.

"You disappoint me, Tom. If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone."
-The Godfather II

am in the local public library. having just picked topic for paper i must write for yale's app, have gone slightly nuts.

books i am taking home:
Jack the Ripper and the London Press by L. Perry Curtis, Jr.
Ending Life: Ethics and the Way We Die by Margaret Pabst Battin
A Handbook on Hanging by Charles Duff*
Underground: The Tokyo Gas Attack and the Japanese Psyche by Haruki Murakami


*the subtitle of which is: "Being a short Introduction to the fine Art of Execution, containing much useful Information on Neck-Breaking, Throttling, Strangling, Asphyxiation, Decapitation, and Electocution; Data and Wrinkles on Hangmanship; with the late Mr. Hangman Barry's Method and his pioneering List of Drops; to which is added an Account of the Great Nuremberg Hangings; a Ready Reckoner for Hangmen; and many other items of interest including the Anatomy of Murder by Charles Duff of Gray's Inn, Barrister-at-Law

"All very Proper
do be read and kept
in every Family"

here is my summer of '07 mix of ultimate awesomeness. guaranteed to make you drive faster and smile wider.

How Soon Is Now? covered by T.A.T.U. (YES THAT'S RIGHT, I AM IN LOVE WITH A SMITHS SONG AS PERFORMED BY TWO FAKE-LESBIAN RUSSIAN GIRLS. YOU WANNA START SOMETHING?)

I Think I Need a New Heart by The Magnetic Fields
"because i always say i love you when i mean turn out the light
and i say 'let's run away' when i just mean 'stay the night'"

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
"and one day we will die and our ashes will fly
from the aeroplane over the sea
but for now, we are young. let us lay in the sun,
and count every beautiful thing we can see."

Papito by Manu Chao
"¡ay papito! ¡ay mamita!
¡qué me inciestan en la camita!"

Treehouse by I'm From Barcelona
"i've been climbing rocks and stones
been collecting broken bones
i've been swimming 'cross the lake
just to find this perfect place."

History of Lovers by Iron & Wine with Calexico
"louise only got from me
innocent poetry
although she played to not listen.
still, i can hear myself
speak as if no one else
ever could offer the same."

Rehab by Amy Winehouse (AGAIN, YES, I LOVE THE SONG THAT IS PLAYED TWICE AN HOUR ON THE RADIO. FUCK YOU. THIS WOMAN IS AMAZING.)

Christ for President by Woody Guthrie, covered by Billy Bragg and Wilco
"the only way
we can ever beat
these crooked politician men
is to cast the moneychangers
out of the temple.
put the carpenter in."

Ooh La La by Goldfrapp
"i need la la la la la la
i need ooh la la la la."

I Looked All Over Town by The Magnetic Fields
"maybe somewhere i could be free
somewhere they won't throw rocks at me.
somewhere this crazy hair
could be my crown.
but all my life,
i've looked all over town."

Country Caravan by Blitzen Trapper
"baby's gotta praise like a willow in the wind
baby's gotta praise like a lover, like a friend."

Soda Shop by Jay Brannan
"shoo-be-do-be-do-wop
i overdid it at the soda shop.
thanks for being my girl
at the i-don't-know-when-to-stop sock hop."

today, for the first time since the anxiety began in january, i really, truly, entirely, and without any doubt, feel sure that everything is going to be all right.

stand back, here i come.

two things i learned while in berkeley for the day:
-my theory that the girls who work in the little vintage clothing shops will give you better service if you are oddly and carefully dressed -- and above all wearing dramatic shoes -- proved to be entirely true. i was treated like a queen (and looked, if i do say so myself, rather fabulous).
-sitting outside a donut shop on telegraph avenue in said dramatic shoes and reading The American Way of Death is a surefire way to attract at least a third of the berkeley wackos to your side to talk your ear off about all manner of batshit theories.

HAH



the best thing about this ad is, it's not quite clear whether it's real or not. benetton is freaking out and saying someone photoshopped it, but i don't know. this idea is pure genius, and they're generating tons of notice by loudly protesting it. and it fits with benetton's advertising history -- remember that time everyone had a fit about the ad with the ( bloody newborn baby? )

very brief list before i pass out:

things that are the best ever:
-taking oneself out to a bar, ordering oatmeal stout and ice cream, and sitting alone reading The American Way of Death
-Grosse Point Blank

things which i am determined to begin wearing again:
-bowties
-suspenders
-vests

queries for my reading public:
-do you think a person who has been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder would basically die if she tried to go to graduate school in manchester (england)? my gut response is UM, YEAH but what do you think?

it has become necessary that i begin a regular segment entitled KATI'S FLICKR USER OF THE WEEK.

PRESENTING:
adamjames.



( more! )

( answers to my PUZZLE )

in other news, i am having way too much fun on flickr.



but i am feeling inspired. these girls, they can really dress.

and strike a pose.

fucking hell, there was a lot of html in that.